woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
