i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
