The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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