I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I enjoy the company of your penis
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