i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he shaved USA in his pubs
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
