2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My penis needs a shock collar
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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