If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
