she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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