It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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