R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
