Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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