I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
