Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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