How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
