someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
