The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
