I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
