I wish I could teleport
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Success! We fucked roommates!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
