I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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