Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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