We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
