My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
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She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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