If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
