can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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