You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
