so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
