Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
