Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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