I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
