Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
