I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
