if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Randomize
