explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
