I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
this boner is exhausting
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
