No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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