Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
