I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
