I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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