kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
