ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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