idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
