My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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