This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
