I only kidnapped one of them. chill
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
