i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
