I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
