if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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