There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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