Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
