1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
