Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
