if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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