please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
