Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
