i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
