so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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