I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
