you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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